You could say setting goals and not achieving them used to be a specialty of mine.
Over the years, I’ve set more goals than I can count. I always dreamt big, but often didn’t have the right strategy or skills to follow through.
If you’ve ever set goals that you haven’t achieved, you’re not alone.
In fact, it’s a normal part of the human experience.
We’re not taught about goal setting, outside of a few areas like academics or sport.
We’re not taught how to properly and realistically plan.
We’re not taught how to set ourselves up for success, keeping a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset.
This leads us to feel like we’re failing when we don’t achieve our goals on the perfect timeline, even if we’re not.
It took me many years, but I eventually learned a better way to look at goals, and to not feel like such a failure when I didn’t achieve the specific result I wanted. Funnily enough, this led me to achieve more in the long run.
Learning the concepts I’m going to share with you today helped me realise there is still immense value in setting goals and working towards them, even if the result isn’t exactly what we’d hoped for.
Why do we struggle to reach our goals?
One of the biggest reasons we struggle to reach our goals is unrealistic expectations.
We think if we set a goal, and don’t achieve the exact goal by a certain date, then we’ve failed. And it makes sense we think this way, we’re taught to do this at school. We’re not taught how to adopt a growth mindset, or to value the work we put in over the end result. It’s either a pass or a fail.
However, I invite you to start thinking about goals in a new and different way.
The point of setting a goal isn’t to reach the goal.
The point of setting a goal is to embark on the journey, and to do the work, that leads to us becoming the type of person who can achieve that goal.
The journey is where the magic happens.
Think about it like this…
If you woke up and had achieved all your goals, you might feel happy for a few days or even weeks, but how would you maintain those results?
We need to build certain skills to maintain our results
It’s that classic case of people winning the lottery.
Many of them find themselves bankrupt not long after, because they never built the skills of money management or wealth creation. So when they find themselves with the end result – having a huge amount of money in the bank – they aren’t able to maintain this for very long.
It’s the same when we lose weight.
Losing weight quickly seems like the best solution…until we gain the weight back within a few months.
When we lose weight too quickly, we usually don’t have enough time to build the skills we need to then maintain that weight. And unfortunately it all comes crashing down.
This is also why we need to be clear on our goals.
Is the goal to achieve an arbitrary end result by a certain date, or is the goal to become the type of person who can maintain that result for years to come?
This matters because it will influence the way you approach your goals, the likelihood of you being successful, and the way you feel once you’ve reached them.
Our goals give us a general direction of where we’re going in life, and they also help us determine what actions to take and which habits to build. Our goals show us the type of person we want to become.
Achieving the goal doesn’t magically make you a new person. We can only step into that next version of ourselves by doing the work and focusing on the journey.
How to deal with not achieving your goals
When you don’t achieve your goal, whether that’s a big yearly goal you set, or simply a smaller weekly goal, it’s easy to feel disappointed and frustrated with yourself.
But it’s so important in these moments that we learn how to coach ourselves through these feelings.
When we dwell on the disappointment or the frustration of not being exactly where we want to be, we miss all the positive things we did do. We skip over all the progress we’ve made, and we don’t acknowledge our smaller wins.
We jump straight to telling ourselves we’ve failed.
This isn’t helpful, because when we feel like a failure, we tend to act in ways that send us backwards rather than moving us forward. And in some cases, we give up on our goal altogether because it feels impossible to reach.
What if you just needed a few more weeks, or months, to reach your goal? If you knew that, would you keep going?
Many of us hold this belief that if we’re harder on ourselves, or if we remind ourselves of our shortcomings, that we will somehow work harder or be more likely to reach the goal…
The opposite is true.
When you beat yourself up, you’re more likely to give up sooner. And even if you don’t give up, you’re probably not going to enjoy the journey very much when you talk to yourself that way.
Instead, practice the skill of self-compassion.
Self-compassion has 3 components:
- Self-kindness – How would you speak to a friend who was going through something similar? Would you put them down and tell them to work harder, or would you gently encourage them to keep going and point out the small wins they have achieved?
- Common humanity – Remind yourself you’re not alone. What you’re going through is part of the human experience, and you’ll get through it.
- Mindfulness – You are not your thoughts. Be aware of your thoughts without needing to react to them immediately. When thoughts of failure or hopelessness come up, how can you acknowledge them as just thoughts (not facts), and gently redirect your brain in a more helpful direction?
Remember, the point of setting a goal isn’t to reach the goal, it’s to send us in the right direction. That means, when we fall short of our goals, that’s normal! You’re probably making lots of progress, some of which you might not be able to immediately see. That doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Sometimes it’s simply a case of zooming out and considering your progress over a longer time frame. Maybe you didn’t hit your goal this week, but when you look at the past month, are you trending in the right direction?
Look at the past 6 months, are you moving in the right direction compared to 6 months ago?
Check your timeline before deciding your plan isn’t working.
When you can coach yourself through the ups and downs of the journey, you’ll start to appreciate the process much more and in turn be more likely to reach your goal.
At the end of the day, whether I do or don’t reach my goals, I think it’s always important to reflect each month and make sure I’m still heading in the right direction (even if it’s slower than I initially hoped it would be.)
How to reflect on your month
When reflecting on my month, I always ask myself the following questions:
- How consistent was I with the habits I set myself? I’m looking for how often I did the habit or behaviour and why. I’m not looking for perfect habit streaks, rather the frequency of the habit over the whole month.
- How much movement did I get in this month? Movement can influence our mood, focus, and energy levels, so it’s an important consideration. I track this using my Fitbit Versa.
- How often did I journal? I notice the months where I journal more, I also achieve more. I believe this is due to being more aware of thoughts and feelings, and having my goals regularly at the front of my mind.
- How did I feel about my habits? Did my habits feel like a chore, or was I excited to work on them? How we feel about our habits says a lot about our general mindset towards life at the time, but also helps us adjust and change habits that we’re feeling a lot of resistance towards.
- How did I sleep? If you’re not sleeping well, your habits and goals will suffer. We must solve for the sleep first.
- Consider the context of the month. What happened this month? How did I feel this month? What were my stress levels like? Was anything out of the ordinary? We have to consider our habits, consistency, and overall progress within the context of our lives. You can’t expect to perfectly follow the same habits when the context of your life changes. Our habits have to change with and adapt to our life, not the other way around.
Using all of this data, we can start to put together a realistic plan to move closer to our goals next month.
How to plan your month to reach your goals
When planning my next month, I keep the following in mind:
- What I did well that I plan to continue
- What I wish I did better – what was the problem and how could I solve that (or improve) moving forward
- Check in with my goal and focus – if I could pick one thing that would move me towards that goal this month, what would it be? This gives me one single focus and improves my chance at success.
- What might come up and get in the way of my goals this month? How can I plan ahead and think of ways around these roadblocks?
- Considering my month ahead and what is likely to come up, am I ready, willing, and able to follow this plan?
At every stage I remind myself that progress towards any goal is never linear. Not seeing progress every single week is not a failure, it’s an expected part of the journey.
When I’m not seeing progress, it’s the perfect time to build my resilience and planning skills which are required for future success.
When you follow this process, working towards your goals becomes the focus, rather than reaching the goal itself. This is when we start to appreciate, and even enjoy, the journey.
When you can enjoy the journey, success becomes inevitable.
Success is found in the process, in doing the work, in the way you continuously show up for yourself, regardless of the end outcome.
I invite you to start approaching your goals this way. You might just start to realise you aren’t so bad at reaching goals, perhaps you were just approaching them the wrong way.
